


Thoughts

by the_potter_fandom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 10:48:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5414015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_potter_fandom/pseuds/the_potter_fandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry thinks he should have died in the war. He blames himself for the deaths of everyone he couldn't save. (self harm trigger warning)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts

_________________________________

 

Harry collapsed on his bed. He didn't want to think anymore. Everyone wanted him to be the hero that they thought he was. They all wanted to party and have fun after the war. 

Harry couldn't take it anymore. He fought tears as he laid on his side. So many people had died because of him. He was no hero, he let people die, he let so many people suffered.

He shared a room with Ron, but Rons bed usually stayed empty. He slept with Hermione in her room most nights. Harry didn't mind, for the most part. Although there were some night where he wished he wasn't alone. 

Tonight wasn't one of those nights. Harry finally let go of everything. He let the tears flow down his face, clutching his blankets so tight his knuckles turned white. Sobs racked his body. He didn't deserve the praise and the parties. He didn't deserve the love he was getting from everyone. He had failed so many people. The Weasleys lost Fred, Teddy lost his parents, so many parents and children lost. The guilt weights on his chest like a hundred bricks. He can barely look mrs. Weasley in the eyes anymore, and he hasn't seen George since the funeral.  
Harry felt awful and his last thoughts, before he fell into an uneasy sleep, was his failures. 

_________________________________

 

Harry had not left his room for three days.  
There was a time when he hadn't leave for a full week before Ron literally had to drag him out. Harry wouldn't talk to anyone about his thoughts.  
He knew his friends were worried but he didn't want to burden them with his feelings so he pretended he was fine.  
For the most part they let him be. He had requested space for a while after being so overwhelmed with the funerals and parties. They respected his request, except for the times Ron had to drag him out of his room for fresh air and some food. 

Being back at Hogwarts for theirs 8th year, to redo the year they missed, had been hard so far. Coming back had brought back bad memories for many people.  
Most people came back in August, a month before school started, to help out with the rebuilding as well at to be back within the familiar halls.  
The first week had been silent and hard to deal with. It wasn't until some of the older year boys decided that everyone needed to let loose and cheer up. The war was over and it called for celebration.  
The parties were ongoing, but Harry barely attend any. At first he came to drink, but he soon realized that alcohol just made his thought worse. 

Now he sat on the floor of his bathroom. Harry knew that Ron was with Hermione in hogsmeat today so he wouldn't be disturbed. 

He held a small blade in the palm of his hand. Turning his forearm over harry ran his fingers across the countless scars already on his arm. He pressed the blade down to a smooth area and slid it down. He watched the blood run down his arm and drip onto the white tiles. He pressed the blade down again and again and again, till the pain in his chest lessened slightly.  
He knew he deserved this pain. He deserved more, but he didn't want Ron to find him passed out on the bathroom floor from blood loss. 

Harry quickly cast a cleaning spell on the tiles and the red disappeared, he washed his arm with water and wrapped it in bandage. He knew he could just heal it but he felt like he didn't deserve to heal quickly, the scars left as a reminder. 

Since most people would be at hogsmeat today Harry decided that there was little chance that he would see someone he knew if he left his room. A walk could do him some good, he thought as he grabbed a long sleeved shirt, and pulled it over his head. 

Harry left the common room quickly even though there were very few people in it. He walked the grounds towards the lake. It was a reasonably nice day outside, Harry thought to himself as he sat down by the edge of the lake. It was cooling down from the summer heat and the sun was behind the clouds. 

"Hello." Said a voice. Harry jumped; he had not heard anyone walk up to where he was sitting. He turned his head and was surprised to see Draco Malfoy moving to sit beside him.  
"Hi." Harry replied not really wanting to say more.  
After the war he and Draco had decided to call a truce, but they haven't had much of a chance to talk. 

Draco didn't press Harry for conversation which Harry was glad for. He didn't feel like talking and Draco seemed to understand.  
Harry turned to see Draco lying on his back on the grass with his eyes closed. Harry signed and mimicked the blonds position. 

He didn't know how long they laid there for but after some time Draco cleared his throat and Harry looked at him. Draco stood up and turned towards the castle. Harry got up and followed.  
Both boys walked to the castle in comfortable silence, parting ways as Harry went to the tower and Draco to the dungeon. It was strange, Harry thought. He didn't feel irritated by Draco anymore; the boy had changed a lot after the war. Lying on the grass beside him had actually been quite nice and peaceful. 

He walked in to the common room and was surprised to see so many people in it. He and Draco must have been lying outside for longer than he had thought.  
"Mate you're up! Want to play some chess?" Ron asked hopefully.  
Harry smiled "Ok sure."  
"I haven't seen you in three days you feeling alright?" Ron asked looking worried, as he brought out the chess board.  
"Ya today's a better day," Harry replied, "I went for a walk."  
"We noticed you weren't in your room. I was going to ask you to come for dinner but you were gone."  
"I'm alright. Thanks Ron, seriously you're an amazing friend."  
"You're welcome; now let's play so I can beat you." Ron laughed. 

Harry managed to beat Ron in one game out of the four they played, before Hermione came down and forced them to come down with her for dinner.  
She ended up telling Harry all about the day she and Ron had had at hogsmeat, so thankfully Harry didn't have to talk much other than little comments here and there.  
He appreciated his friends so much but at the end of the day he still wanted to be by himself.  
After dinner, Harry said goodnight to his friends and sat in his bed some more. He picked up the marauders map and looked for Malfoys name. He found Draco's dot in the Slytherin dungeons. He hadn't thought much about him until this afternoon.  
And now he was left confused about how it was that Draco just seemed to understand him today.  
Tonight, before he fell asleep, his thoughts were about Draco instead of his failures. 

_________________________________

 

Yesterday's adventure had tired Harry out into the next day.  
He didn't get out of bed that day and he knew his friends wouldn't come get him. He had been out the day before and they knew that Harry would most likely sleep the following day.

The next day was the same. Although Harry let his thoughts get the better of him and he found himself sitting on the floor of his bathroom again. 

He was running out of space on his left arm. Pulling up his right sleeve he made a series of cuts, while angry tears ran down his face. 

He didn't know where the sudden anger came from but he realized that he had cut much deeper than he had intended to. He had never cut this deep before and he began to panic when the blood would not stop flowing.  
He finally decided to wrap the cuts in more bandage and the bleeding finally stopped. 

He was exhausted. He felt drained and empty. More tears threatened to escape. It had been a month since he had made the first cut.  
He felt pathetic and weak, finally letting the tears runs down his face once more. 

Harry spelled the bathroom floor clean and sat on his bed. He laid down and fell asleep almost at once.

_________________________________

 

The next day around noon Harry work up hungry. He dressed, wincing as the bandage on his right arm shifted. He quickly went down to the great hall and grabbed a couple of sandwiches. Not feeling like sitting among people he left the great hall and exited the castle.

Looking towards the lake he was surprise to see Draco sitting by the water. Harry's chest fluttered as he made his way towards him.

"Hi Draco."  
Draco looked up at Harry, smiling slightly as Harry passed him one of the sandwiches he had brought.  
Harry sat down beside Draco, eating the food in silence.  
"Thank you." Draco said quietly. "You're welcome." Harry responded not looking up. He finished his sandwich and lied down, closing his eyes. He felt Draco lie down beside him.

Harry stretched his hands down by his sides and felt his hand cover Draco's. Harry panicked but did not move away, opening his eyes and turning his head to look at Draco. Draco looked at him and intertwined his fingers with Harry's and closed his eyes again.  
Harry turned his head back letting his eyes close again, liking the feeling of Draco so close. 

Harry realized that he had fallen asleep when a loud bang woke him up. A few hours had noticeably pasted as the sky was darkening.  
Harry felt a hand in his and with a smile he remembered what had happened. He turned his head looking at Draco. The blond boy was obviously asleep and had not been bothered by the noise. 

Harry just looked at Draco for a few minutes. He looked so calm and happy while he slept. Harry didn't want to wake him. Unfortunately he knew that they should really go back. 

He gently rubbed Draco's arm saying his name until Draco's eyes fluttered open. His gray eyes found Harry's green eyes immediately. They looked at each other for a while before Draco took in his other surroundings.  
"It's late." Draco said surprised.  
"Ya, we should probably go back inside..." Harry said looking away.

He really didn't want to go. He felt too comfortable with Draco by his side. He looked back at Draco his face fell slightly, why Draco? Draco met his eyes and suddenly he didn't care about their past, he felt calm around Draco and he knew that the other boy felt the same. 

He stood, pulling Draco up with him not letting go of his hand.  
"Come back tomorrow?" Draco said suddenly. Harry felt Draco's hand tighten around his.  
"The day after, at noon." Harry said knowing that he will probably be sleeping all day tomorrow anyways.  
"Okay."  
The boys walked back to the castle slowly, hand in hand, smiling at each other before parting ways. 

Harry fell into a dreamless sleep when he went back to bed, saying a quick goodnight to his friends. They had been surprised that he was out again but didn't question him. He felt calm and understood for the first time in a while. 

_________________________________

 

Harry woke up the next day to find Ron sitting in his bed beside him.  
"Mate, it's already evening, get up." Ron said gently.  
Harry gave Ron a look and turned over, his back to Ron.  
Ron laughed "That's not gonna work today. Come on get up you've slept the whole day, I brought chocolate but I'm not going to give you any until you shower. Seriously you stink."

Harry signed knowing he wasn't going to be able to get Ron to leave him be alone today. "Fine, I'll shower but only because I want chocolate."  
Knowing he had won Ron smiled, "I'll be back in half an hour then." 

Harry showered quickly so he had enough time to change his bandages. The angry cut he had made weren't healing as fast as the other ones. He pulled on his jeans and a black long sleeved shirt. 

He walked out of the bathroom to see Ron and Hermione curled up on Ron's bed watching him.  
"That's certainly better isn't it?" asked Hermione.  
"I guess so." Harry said. Ron passed him the chocolate as he'd promised.

"Harry we just want to talk," Hermione began, "we know something's wrong, and I know it takes time for you to want to talk to anyone, but we are worried about you." 

Hermione walked from Ron's bed to sit beside Harry on his, grabbing his hand in hers. Ron followed sitting beside him as well.  
"We just want to help you mate." said Ron.

"I know you do, and I'm thankful really I am, I just don't know how to explain." Harry started, "it's been really hard, and I know it's not just me that it's been hard on. I don't feel like I deserve any of this love and celebrations. So many people died." Harry confessed, the rest of that sentence *because of me* was left unsaid. 

"Oh Harry, we understand really but how long are you going to grieve." Those deaths can't keep haunting you." Hermione said. "Someday you're going to have to move on. I don't think hiding away in your bed is going to help you. People die during wars, there's nothing you can do."

Harry signed; there was no point in arguing with her, she just didn't understand the extent of it all.  
"Ya I guess." Harry trailed off he didn't feel like talking anymore.  
"Let's go get some dinner." Said Ron; thankfully breaking the silence.  
The trio made their way to the great hall. Harry ate just to get Hermione to stop throwing him worried glances. 

They parted ways after dinner, Harry to his room, the others stayed in the common room. 

Hermione didn't understand what was wrong with him, even Ron didn't get it. Harry hadn't felt so lost in a while, his friends couldn't understand him. 

Sadness surrounded him, sitting in the bathroom he pulled up his sleeve. The cuts on his arm haven't even healed, yet he was creating new ones again. Slicing up his arm didn't make him feel any better though. Harry signed, cleaning and wrapping up. He made his way to his bed and crawled under the covers. 

 

_________________________________

 

He woke up the next morning in a foul mood. It wasn't really fair for him to be feeling like this, as his friends were only trying to help him. But still it irritated him because he felt like they were getting tired of him.  
He wish they would just listen and not dismiss his feelings so quickly. 

Harry sat on the edge of his bed scowling when he suddenly remembered his promise to Draco.  
It was half past eleven already, he should get up if he was going to still meet with him at noon. 

Getting ready quickly, Harry paused to look at the map. Draco was already making his way to the lake. Harry smiled to himself, grateful that Malfoy had not forgotten their arrangement. 

Harry made his way to the lake stopping a bit behind Draco, and looking out at the water.

"Are you going to end up joining me at any point today?" Draco asked with a smirk, turning to look at Harry.  
"I might." Harry shot back, walking towards and then sitting beside the other boy.  
"I wasn't sure if you've eaten yet so I brought food." Draco said shyly.  
Harry grabbed a sandwich "Thanks."  
The boys ate in silence. Once they finished, Draco looked over at Harry. 

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly.  
Harry didn't reply. He looked down at his hands not knowing what to say. "It's okay if you're not, and it's okay if you don't want to talk about it with me, I just don't want you to feel alone." Draco grabbed Harry's right arm. Harry gasped because Draco had grabbed at his recent cuts.  
Draco pulled back in a panic, looking shocked and worried. "What's wrong?" 

Harry stood up fast, "I should go."  
He said hastily, "I'm sorry."  
Draco stood, just as quick, grabbing on to Harry's shoulders with caution and turning Harry to face him.  
"Harry what's wrong." Draco said with a serious look on his face.  
Harry looked at Draco's face feeling completely lost. The determination on the blonds face to find out what was wrong made Harry lose himself. 

He melted into Draco and let out a sob. Draco's arms quickly rapped around Harry's body. Draco held on to Harry for a long time, letting the other boy fall apart.  
When Harry finally pulled away he could not meet Draco's eyes. He felt ashamed that he had fallen apart to Draco Malfoy of all people. 

"Harry." Draco said gently, taking Harry's hand. "Please look at me."  
Harry looked up. "I'm sorry." He whispered.  
Malfoy ran his free hand under Harry's eyes wiping away the tears. "Don't be sorry for your feelings, it's okay to cry sometimes. I'm here for you if you want to talk." Draco said. 

"Why do you want to help me?" Harry asked confused.  
"You deserve to be happy Harry, and I don't want you to feel alone. I don't know how much your friends understand, but I do. Despite our past I want to help you." Draco said looking into Harry's eyes not wanting there to be any doubt in his words. "Harry you are absolutely wonderful, and I care about you. Please let me help you." 

Harry didn't respond. "Think about it?" Draco asked and Harry nodded.  
Draco and Harry lied down together. Harry moved closer to Draco so they were touching. Draco pulled Harry closer to him. Harry rested his head on Draco's chest, his arm around his waist.  
Draco smiled as he felt Harry relax into him. 

_________________________________

Harry woke up a few hours later with a start, to familiar voices. He was still curled up with Draco on the grass. He looked over his shoulder panicking when he saw Ron and Hermione walking around the lake towards them, not seeing him yet. 

"Draco." Harry whispered shaking the other boy. "Draco wake up."  
Malfoy opened his eyes looking at Harry's panicked face.  
"What's wrong?" He asked. His head suddenly turned towards the voices.  
"Shit. Harry do they know that you're here with me?" Draco asked gently.  
Harry shook his head.  
"We can run or stay but they're still gonna see us either way."  
Harry knew Draco was right, "They would find out eventually." Harry said with a sign. It wasn't that he wanted to hide Draco from his friends; he just wanted to wait some time before he told them himself.

Harry heard Ron gasp, "Bloody hell! Harry?" There was no use pretending that he didn't hear him. He lifted his head to look at his friends, they looked shocked.  
He reluctantly removed his arm from around Draco's waist and sat up.  
"Um hi." Harry said.

Draco sat up beside him, placing his hand on Harry's back comforting him without the other two seeing.  
"Harry what are you doing?" Hermione asked.  
"Can I talk to you guys later?" Harry asked desperately.  
"Alright but you can't keep avoiding us Harry," Hermione said, "promise us you will talk to us please?"  
Harry looked down, he felt horrible "I promise."  
He heard them leave. 

Draco took Harry's hand. "Do you want to talk?" Draco said.  
Harry turned to look at Draco, "No but I have to or I'll go crazy."  
Draco smirked, "You're already crazy but go on." 

Harry hit him, "I keep avoiding them because I don't want to tell them about my thoughts because they don't understand." Harry said seriously. 

"Not everyone is going to understand you Harry. You can't keep avoiding your friends though, they care about you. They just don't know how to help you because they don't know what's wrong with you." Draco said honestly.

"How is it that you seem to understand me even if I haven't told you anything." Harry asked Draco confused.  
"I pay attention." Draco said shyly looking down.  
"To me?" Harry was shocked, Draco Malfoy paying attention to him.  
"Everyone pays attention to you, you are savior after all." Draco pointed out.  
"Okay, but you?" Harry retorted.  
"Sod off." Draco said laughing flipping him off. "Let's go." 

"Where are we going?" asked Harry.  
"Well I'm going to the library, and you are going to talk to your friends. They love you and they need to know what's going on." Draco said standing, pulling Harry up with him.  
"Oh alright, I can't avoid them any longer." Harry signed and walked with Malfoy to the castle. Malfoy turned and hugged Harry quickly before they separated. 

When Harry got into the common room his friends came over to him.  
"Let's go talk in our room." He said quietly. Walking to their room Harry tried to plan what he was going to say but failed to come up with anything. The trio sat on Harry's bed looking at Harry. 

"Guys I'm sorry." Harry started but he was cut off by Hermione.  
"Harry we love you, whatever it is you can tell us. You don't have to say all of it now if you don't want to, we understand. I'll properly listen this time I promise."  
Harry looked up at her a little shocked.  
She continued, "I realize I dismissed your feelings last time and I'm so sorry. I don't understand what's going on with you, so I will listen and try to understand."

Harry hugged his friends tight. He was glad that they wanted to understand what he was going through. They sat like that in silence for a while just holding on to each other. 

Harry finally let go and broke the silence. "I was going to tell you about Draco eventually."  
Hermione laughed, "I have to admit it was a big surprise to find you guys lying there."  
Ron continued, "Ya mate I wasn't mad I was just really surprised."  
Harry looked at his friends "So you aren't mad?"  
"No Harry, we aren't mad with whatever you and Draco are doing. I just need to know one thing Harry. Does he make you happy?"

Does Draco make him happy? They haven't really talked much but he makes him feel calm, he makes him smile and giddy.  
"Yes, he makes me happy." Harry said shyly. "I haven't exactly figured out what's going on between us yet, but he makes me happy."  
"I'm glad mate, really. I'm happy that you have someone other than us to talk to, even if it's the git." Ron said.  
Harry felt like he could burst into tears right now, he felt overjoyed that both Ron and Hermione were okay with Draco, he didn't want to fight with them.

Harry realized that he still had to tell them what was going on with him, even a part of it. He looked up at his friend and began.  
"I'm sorry I haven't been telling you guys stuff, you're my best friends and you deserve to know what's going on with me. Things have been really bad for me lately; I've been feeling so sad." Hermione took his hand, Ron moved closer. Neither of them spoke but instead looked at Harry wanting him to go on. "I know you guys are here but I feel so alone. All those people who died, die because of me. I'm no hero; I should have been the one to die not them. Fred shouldn't have died, or Tonks, or lupin. They didn't deserve this, I shouldn't have lived." Harry broke off into a sob. His friends never said anything but sat with him while he let it out.  
"I'm sorry." Harry said when he finally calmed down.  
"Harry we're always here for you." Hermione said. 

"You didn't kill Fred Harry." Ron said seriously as Harry turned towards him. "Fred knew what he was doing. You never killed my brother, Tonks, Remus or anyone else who was killed. Harry it wasn't you fault." Harry tried to interrupt but Ron continued, "They fought for what they believed in. They knew the consequence; you are not responsible to save everyone Harry."  
Harry didn't say anything, hearing Ron say those things made him believe some of it. He couldn't save everyone but they were still there because of him. Instead of pointing that out he turned to his friends. 

"Thank you. I appreciate both of you so much, you're the best friends I could ask for and I love you guys so much." Harry smiled at them.  
"Mate we will let you rest now but think about what we said okay?" Ron said, standing up. Hermione stood with him hugging Harry before she did. "We really do love you Harry and we want you to be okay."  
"Thank you." Harry said as his friends left his room. He lied back on his bed.

He had finally said something. He was happy that his friends understood, and cared so much about him. He realized that Draco was right, his friends just wanted to help.  
He sat up searching for the map. He wondered if Draco was still in the library. When he opened the map he found Draco right where he thought he would be. 

Harry jumped up and headed for the library. He felt like he needed to tell Draco what had happened.  
His eyes found the blond right away, he moved towards him.  
"Draco." Harry whispered in the blonds ear.  
Draco's head shot up looking around surprised.  
Harry started laughing "It's just me."  
"Bloody hell Potter. You are trying to give mea hard attack." Draco hissed clearly not impressed.

"I just want to talk." Harry said after he calmed down, only a smile left on his lips.  
"Oh alright, what about?" Draco said giving in.  
"I talked to Ron and Hermione." Harry said quietly.  
"Oh. Harry let's talk somewhere else." Draco said looking around.  
Harry noticed all the people watching them, clearly listening to what they were saying.  
"There is no one in my room, we could go there?" Harry asked. 

Malfoy agreed and the boys stood up, making they're way to the tower.  
"Will I be able to go in?" Draco whispered  
"I don't see why not." Harry answered as they arrived at the portrait.  
Harry gave the password and Draco hastily walked through.

They practically ran to Harry's room so no one could ask why a certain blond Slytherin was in the Gryffindor common room. They shut the door laughing.  
"Do you think anyone saw me?" Asked Draco; looking uncertain.  
"What is it if they did?" Harry retorted with a smile. "You are here with me, I don't think anyone will try to get in the way of that, I am the chosen one after all." He said laughing.  
Draco shoved him, "Saint Potter." He said with a smirk.

"Sit with me." Harry said now sitting on his bed. Draco sat on the other end of the bed, turning towards harry and crossing his legs.  
"You were right." Harry said suddenly.  
"I know I am, tell me what happened." Draco said.

"They care about me and they tried to understand. I talked and they listened. I finally told them my thoughts and stopped hiding." Harry smiled. "Thank you for making me talk to them."  
"You're welcome Harry. I'm proud of you, that you finally talked to them." Draco replied. 

Harry felt wonderful. He talked to his friends, Draco was here and he was proud of him.  
"I still haven't told you anything yet." Harry said suddenly trailing off.  
"When you want to tell me, I'll be here." Draco said. 

"I want to tell you. You're my friend too Draco."  
Draco's head shot up he looked at Harry, "You mean that?"  
Harry smiled, "Of course I mean it." 

Draco smiled, "Things have been so different after the war, I glad things and people are changing." 

"Ya things have been different." Harry said in a sad tone.  
"Harry?" The boys eyes met, Harry wanted to tell Draco everything but he didn't know what would happen if he did. "Harry please."  
"Draco..." Harry trailed off; he didn't think he could do it. 

"Maybe it would help if I started?" Draco asked. When Harry didn't say anything Draco continued. "After the war, my mother and I escaped going to Azkaban because of you. My father though was sentenced to Azkaban. We both love him even after the stupid things he did. After that, the hardest thing was seeing my mother wake up every morning with an empty look in her eyes. She lost her lover and she couldn't cope. I worry about her every day, but now she's with people who can help her cope. I came back to try to be better, a newer version of myself."  
Harry watched Draco the entire time he spoke. He was slightly surprised that Draco was opening up to him, but grateful never the less.  
"I'm sorry about your mum Draco, and about your father. I'm sorry you had to go through that." Harry said.  
"Thank you Harry." Draco replied.

The sat in silence, Harry was trying to figure out what to say. Draco was quiet, letting Harry find the words.  
"I shouldn't have survived." Harry said suddenly. "I should have died and everyone else should have lived. I'm not a hero, I failed so many people. Those people died because of me, I let people suffer. I don't deserve the praise and love. I can't save anyone. I wish I was dead." Harry finished. He didn't know where to look, Draco looked shocked. 

"Harry, I didn't know it was that bad, I'm sorry." Draco crawled up the bed to sit next to Harry. He wrapped his arms around the other boy. Harry leaned into him.  
"Harry you didn't kill anyone. None of it was your fault; they didn't die because of you.  
If it wasn't for you so many more people would have died. You saved people, you saved me twice, and that's just me. You deserve love and so much more, you are the hero that brought down Voldemort.  
The people who died, didn't die in vain, they knew what the consequences were.  
I am so bloody glad that you are alive, and I know I'm not the only one. Harry you are wonderful and amazing and I want you to believe you are worth it, because you are." 

Harry was crying by the time Draco finished. He wanted to believe every word that Draco said but he didn't know how. He wished he was okay but part of him still wanted to suffer like all those people.  
He didn't know what to say so he just let Draco hold him while he cried. Today had been a long day and he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep.  
"Stay with me please?" Harry asked Draco quietly. He didn't want to be alone tonight.  
"Of course I will." Replied Draco.

The boys cuddled under the blankets and fell asleep not long after. Ron came into the room to check on Harry about an hour later and was pleasantly surprised to see both boys together. Ron smiled to himself as he shut the door and returned to Hermione's room.

_________________________________

 

Harry woke up slowly. He let everything sink in. His friends understood him and loved him. Draco cared about him and wanted to help him. He was also currently lying rapped in Draco's arms and he couldn't remember how long it has been since he felt this happy.  
He felt Draco shift against him.  
"Good morning." Harry whispered.  
Draco tightened his arms slightly, "hmm." Draco said, not quite awake yet.  
Harry snuggled closer closing his eyes, thinking about the last few days. 

A few minutes later, Draco was wide awake. "How are you feeling?" He asked Harry.  
"I'm happy." Harry replied smiling up at Draco.  
Draco smiled moving away from Harry, "Me too. Let's go to breakfast, I'm hungry."  
"Can't we just stay here all day?" Harry whined.  
"No, Pansy's gonna have my head, I promised her I would meet her last night. I need to make it right."  
"Shit I'm sorry Draco; I shouldn't have kept you from her."  
Draco laughed, "Stop apologizing, being with you last night beats the conversation I avoided with Pansy. Now get up we're going for breakfast."

“Fine.” Harry said defeated. He wasn’t hungry but he enjoyed spending time with Draco. The boys walked together to the great hall. They got a few glances but no issues. “I don’t think people care that much about us together.” Draco said. “Things change.” Harry said with a shrug. 

"So what was the conversation you avoided with Pansy?" Harry asked curious.  
"If you have to know, it was about you." Draco said. They sat down at the closest table and started eating.  
"Me?" He was confused.  
"Yes, you git. She saw us down by the lake one day and she won't stop asking questions. She thinks we're shagging."  
Harry chocked on his drink. "Why would she think that?"  
Draco started laughing, "You should see your face. Pansy has a wild imagination, Potter don't worry about it."  
"Oh god." Harry was positive he was blushing. 

When they finished their breakfast Draco left to talk to Pansy. Harry felt disappointed but he knew that he could have Draco to himself. He made his way back to his room.  
He found Ron and Hermione sitting in the common room.  
"Hey guys." He said sitting with them.  
"How are you feeling?" Hermione asked.  
"Better." Harry answered simply. He didn't feel like he needed to elaborate; he felt better this morning. 

"Harry," Ron turned to him, "What's going on between you and Malfoy? I came into our room last night and well..." Ron trailed off and Harry smiled at the memory. "I still don't know exactly what's going on between us."  
"Even after last night?"  
"Ron what exactly do you think we did last night?" Harry asked with a smirk.  
Ron turned bright red and looked away.  
"Ron!" Harry exclaimed laughing. "We haven't shagged yet!"  
"Yet?" Hermione asked.  
Now it was Harry's turn to blush.

"Well I mean, Draco has changed, he makes me laugh and he is kind, and he cares about me, and I like spending time with him. And I guess I might like him a tad." Harry said really quickly.  
He looked up to see his friends grinning at him.  
"I think that's great mate." Ron said.  
"Really?" Harry asked.  
"Of course Harry, I'm happy for you." Hermione said.  
Harry smiled to himself. He didn't give his friends enough credit.

"Do you want to go to hogsmeat?" Harry asked his friends. He was in a good mood and he wanted to go out.  
"Sure why not." They answered.

The trio made their way to hogsmeat. Harry realized how much he missed his friends and this normality between the three of them. They spent most of the day walking around, drinking butterbeers, and talking about nothing in particular. 

It was getting late by the time they got back to the castle. Ron and Hermione went to dinner leaving Harry in his room. He wasn't very hungry and had said he wanted to go to sleep. But now sitting on his bed Harry didn't feel tired at all. 

He picked up the marauders map searching for Draco's dot. He found him in the great hall. 

He wondered if Draco even wanted to see him at all. Maybe he would give him some space, Harry didn't want to bother him.

Harry started thinking. Was he burdening his friends with his thoughts? They told him that they cared, but what if they were just saying that. Was Draco annoyed with him yet? He was so desperate around Draco. He didn't want his friends to hate him but what if they already did. They're probably laughing at him right now. Draco's probably disgusted with him because he held him. None of them cared, they were pretending. He was such a burden.

Harry let tears fall as he went and sat in his bathroom. He hadn't thought that he would be doing this again. He believed he would be okay after he told his friends. But he wasn't okay at all. 

He was such a burden, he thought as he slid the blade down.  
His friends didn't care, he thought as he slid it down again.  
He was all alone, he thought as he kept sliding the blade down over and over again. 

Harry sat on the floor in a crying, bloody mess. He looked down at his arm cursing. He spelled the floor clean, ran his arm under water and wrapped it up. He dragged himself to his bed. 

He lay there for only a little while when there was knocking at his door. Ron opened the door and stood in the doorway.  
"He was standing in front of the portrait and wouldn't leave till he talked to you." Ron said stepping aside letting Draco come into the room. "I told him you were sleeping but he wouldn't budge."  
"Thanks Ron."  
"No problem Harry. Good night mate." 

Draco smirked and came over to Harry. Harry was grateful that the lights were dimmed in the room. He was sure his face was still red from crying and he didn't want questions. 

"I am quite obviously sleeping here." Harry said sarcastically.  
"Sod off." Draco said laughing.  
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" Harry asked.  
"I just wanted to see you." Draco said shyly.  
Harry's inside fluttered, Draco wanted to see him.

"Come here then." Harry said moving over on his bed so Draco could lie down. Draco smiled, still looking shy. He kicked his shoes off and got under the covers.  
Feeling brave, Harry moved close to Draco immediately. Harry felt Draco relax as he put his arm around him. 

Harry looked up at Draco, "You really wouldn't leave till you saw me?" Harry asked amused.  
Draco blushed, "Maybe." He whispered. 

Harry realized that Draco's face was much closer than he thought. He guessed that Draco was thinking the same thing because he froze.  
Harry didn't know what made him move in but suddenly his lips were on Draco's.  
Harry pulled back, "I'm sorry." He said.  
"Don't be sorry." Draco said before he moved down to meet Harry's lips again. Harry deepened the kiss and Draco pulled him closer.  
The boys broke apart grinning like idiots. 

They didn't say much after that, as they laid they're together. The boys fell asleep with smiles on their faces. 

 

_________________________________

 

Harry woke up the next morning to Draco's lips on his. He smiled into the kiss. They broke apart.

"Good morning." Draco's voice sounded happy.  
"Morning." Harry said before he kissed Draco again.  
"I don't want to go anywhere today." said Draco.  
"Me neither." agreed Harry. "There's no conversation you need to have with Pansy is there?" Harry said laughing.  
"No, not this time." Draco said with a smirk.

"What did she say last time?" Harry asked.  
"Pansy wanted to know what was happening between us." Draco said.  
Harry's eyes widened. "That's what Ron and Hermione keep asking." 

"The three of them should get together." Draco laughed.  
"Merlin that wouldn't be good. Ron came in the night before and thought we had just shagged." Harry admitted.  
"Why are our friends so interested with our sex life!?" Draco said exasperated.  
The look on Draco's face made Harry burst out laughing. Draco took the opportunity to tickle Harry making him laugh even harder.  
"Stop-" Draco just laughed. "I can't breath." Harry gasped out between fits of laughter. 

Draco kissed Harry and laid over him. He grabbed Harry's arms and pinned them above Harry's head.  
"Ow fuck Draco." Harry moved his arms out of Draco's grasp, rubbing his forearm softly. Draco had unknowably gripped the cuts Harry had made last night.  
Draco's face fell. "Shit I'm sorry what happened." He moved so he was now sitting in front of Harry.

Harry felt guilty that he had ruined Draco's happiness. "Nothing don't worry about it."  
"Please Harry." Draco reached down took Harry's right hand. He gently pulled up Harry's sleeve, and gasped.  
Before Draco could say anything, Harry slowly pulled up his other sleeve. There was no point in hiding anything from Draco now. 

Harry held out both his arms to Draco as tears escaped his eyes. He couldn't look Draco in the eyes. He couldn't bare to see the disgust and disappointment in those beautiful grey eyes. 

He jumped slightly when he felt something touch his arm. He opened his eyes to see Draco kissing his cuts and scars on both arms. His touch was so gentle.  
Draco looked up meeting Harry's eyes, "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."  
"It's okay, you didn't know." Harry said quietly. 

"It's not okay, Harry why do you do this to yourself." Draco asked worry clear on his face. Harry looked away.  
"I deserve to feel the pain, I do it because of the guilt I feel for the people who suffered and died, the pathetic excuses for a hero that I am, how I couldn't save even the people closest to me." 

"Harry you were only 17 years old, you had the whole world on your shoulders, you went through so much. No one expected you to save everyone. Harry please look at me," Harry finally looked up. "No one deserves this kind of pain, please stop hurting yourself."

Harry sighed. "I'm sorry but I can't agree, because I don't want to lie to you Draco."  
"Why would you ever cut yourself again? I thought you were better?" 

Harry realized that Draco didn't understand, he tried to explain. "Draco, I am trying to get better, but I'll still have my ups and downs. I don't just magically get completely better. There will be amazing days but then there will be days where I won't want to leave my bed, or eat, or shower. There will be times where I cry for no reason, and days that I want nothing more than to slit my wrists and be done with life. I really am trying to get better but I don't want to promise you that I won't slip up sometimes because I know that I will." Harry finished looking into Draco's eyes. 

"I understand." Draco said and those words made Harry happy. "If you let me, I want to be here with you through all of those times." When Harry looked confused Draco continued. "I want to hold you through the bad times, and laugh with you through the good times, I want to wipe away your tears, and kiss you senseless. I want to be with you Harry."  
Harry was shocked, his eyes wide and mouth hung open. "I want to be with you too Draco." Harry said finally, kissing Draco fiercely. 

"Can you promise me one thing though?" Draco asked.  
"Maybe." Harry said unsure.  
"When things start to get bad, come talk to me and we can deal with it together." Draco pleaded.  
"Okay." Harry said, "I promise I will."  
Draco kissed him.

They laid in bed for the next few hours talking about the little things.

_________________________________

 

The was a knock on the door.  
Harry heard Ron's voice.  
"Harry? Are you both decent?"

Harry signed, "Yes Ron."

The door opened and Ron peaked in, when he was satisfied that Harry hadn't lied, he opened the door and he and Hermione walked in.  
"Hello Harry. Hi Draco."  
Hermione said.  
"Hello." The boys said together.

Harry looked at Ron. Ron face was slightly pink and he was looking anywhere but the bed. Harry realized that he and Draco were still cuddled together under the blankets. 

"Ron?" Harry asked with a smirk.  
Everyone turned to look at Ron.  
"Ya mate?" Ron would still not look towards anyone.  
"What are you looking at over there?" Realizing he had been caught he turned to face everyone.  
Draco smirked as he realized what Harry was getting at. 

"Uh nothing." Ron said uncomfortable.  
"Ron we haven't shagged." Harry said laughing.  
"Oh god good." Ron said finally and he relaxed.  
Everyone burst out laughing. "Seriously Ron?" Hermione said laughing.  
Ron pulled up a chair and sat near the bed. Hermione did the same. 

Draco turned to Harry. "I'm going to go change and meet with Pansy for lunch. I'll come back later?"  
"Ya okay." Harry said, kissing Draco. He heard Hermione gasp.  
Draco said goodbye to everyone and left.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed.  
"I know!" Harry said equally excited. He turned to look at Ron. Harry started laughing when he looked at Ron face.  
"You're laugh at me." Ron said  
"Ya, you should have seen your face."  
"I'm happy for you, it's just going to take some getting use to okay?" Ron said.  
Harry laughed, "Of course Ron." 

"Harry I want details." Hermione squeaked.  
"Harry have you eaten yet?" Ron asked, interrupting Hermione.  
"No why?" Harry asked.  
"Cause I want to be as far away for this conversation as possible, I'll go get you some food."  
"Thanks Ron." Harry said.

When Ron left, Harry turned to Hermione.  
"Ron brought him up last night."  
Harry started.  
"Ya I know, he wouldn't leave until he talked to you." Hermione added with a smile.  
"Wait how many people know?"  
Hermione sighed, "Probably a lot now, he was causing quite a fuss." 

"Damn okay, people were going to find out eventually." Harry said.

"Find out what? Harry I want details."  
Harry laughed, "Okay, so he came in last night and he said he wanted to see me, we were snuggled up together. One thing led to another and I ended up kissing him."  
Hermione squealed, "Harry that's wonderful, are you guys together now?"  
"Ya we are, he asked me this morning."  
"I'm so happy for you Harry." 

"I'm happy too, I just don't know how everyone else is going to respond. You guys are incredibly supportive but what will everyone else say?" Harry said.  
"Oh Harry they will have to get over it. If you guys are happy together than you shouldn't care what other people think. It's your life." Hermione said, "and I'll hex anyone who even try's to talk badly about the two of you." 

"Thanks Hermione, seriously you are amazing." Harry said hugging her.

Harry and Hermione kept talking about relationships till Ron came back. As promised he brought lots of food.  
The trio ate and caught Harry up on what has happened since they last talked to him.  
"And Seamus wants to arrange a quidditch match sometime soon. It will be a few rounds and anyone can play. You interested?" Ron asked Harry.  
"Of course. It would be great to fly again it's been a while." Harry said.  
"Ask Draco if he wants to play too." Ron added. This comment caught Harry by surprise.

"Ask me what?" Everyone turned to see Draco standing in the door way. Nobody had heard him come in.

"There's a quidditch match going on soon for eighth years. You want to play with us?" Ron asked Draco before Harry could say anything.  
"Ya why not, it sounds like fun." Draco said walking over and sitting on the bottom of Harry's bed.

Harry smiled he was happy that his friends were getting along.  
"We're going to go." Said Hermione.  
"Ya I'll see you later mate." Ron said.

"Okay bye." Harry said still smiling.  
He turned to Draco once they left. Draco laid down on the bed beside where Harry was sitting. 

"How was lunch?" He asked Draco.  
"Dreadful." Draco said laughing. "I told her about me and you and she squealed so loudly people started to watch us." Harry laughed.  
Draco continued, "She's overly excited for us, but she said, and I quote, she would hex you into oblivion if you hurt me."  
"Wow okay." Harry said startled.  
"Ya she means well. Pansy's my best friend though so you might want to be nice to her every once in a while."  
"I'll try." Harry offered. "How hard can it be?"  
Now it was Draco's turn to laugh, "She's my best friend and even I find it extremely difficult to be nice to her sometimes." Harry groaned.

"For you, I'll try." Harry said kissing Draco lightly. 

"You will?" Draco asked quietly.

"Of course." Harry answered. He kissed Draco again as he moved to lie above the blond. Draco wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and kissed him back deepening the kiss. 

"You are incredible Harry." Draco whispered in Harry's ear when Harry pulled back. Harry smiled and cuddled into Draco. 

His thoughts as he laid there were about his amazing friends and brilliant boyfriend.


End file.
